Goomba_Army_by_8_bit_Anon

The Goomba, probably the most recognizable piece of Killer Food.

Thanksgiving passed not too long ago for my North American friends, and although I don’t celebrate it here in South America, that doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about it. I’ve seen enough Thanksgiving cartoon specials to know a little about this day in particular, and at least 80% of the time, it’s about the food.

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Really guys? Even for the 70s this looks kinda racist.

I mean, they have turkey, potatoes, stuffing, gravy, yams, and any other kind of delicious dish that might give you a heart attack, because believe it or not, food can kill you.

Death Burger

What I mean is food can literally kill you, in the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes sense. And especially in video games, where it doesn’t matter if you are a vegan or not. As soon as you are seen by these delicious meals, you are dead meat.

I’ve really never understood how the hell food can suddenly acquire anthropomorphic features, but again I have to remember that most of these games are essentially an acid trip, so there’s no room for logic here.

Enemies like food are essentially the only enemies in Bible Buffet:

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A game like this can turn a true believer into an atheist. Thankfully this game has nothing to do with the Bible, and if it does then I guess I’m going convert to the Star Trek religion, because that makes more sense than this game.

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I’d rather join the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion.

Basically every enemy in Panic at the Restaurant is a food item:

panic at the restaurant

Ice Ice Baby.

I actually love this game. The controls are very good and the graphics are awesome, especially in the European and American versions. Since the main protagonist and main villains are both chefs, the food motif makes a lot of sense.

The Fish Roe Man from Mother 3, because even RPGs aren’t safe from this flavor of evil:

fish man s

In this franchise you have enemies like walking coffee cups, but I think that this walking sushi wins this spot because of his battle music, and because when you beat him, he will burn you with his flavor by jumping into your mouth. The franchise is weird, I won’t lie, especially because every game has at least one acid trip level at some point. For example, in the island of Mother 3, you have to eat some bizarre fungus to recover you health.

The steak monsters of “Level Ate” in Earthworm Jim 2:

earthworm jim

Did I mention that you are fighting over a pizza in a pizza box?

One of my favorite games that takes the word “bizarre” to a whole new level, the game doesn’t make much sense in most respects, even in the structure of the game. But that doesn’t mean that this game is bad. On the contrary, that’s what makes this game so great, and by the way, Level Ate is made of bacon.

The Eggplant Wizard from the Kid Icarus franchise:

Egg Plant Wizard

I hate this guy; I really hate him. I’m not a fan of the game, but I still know how annoying these fellows are. They turn you into a humanoid eggplant that can’t attack, and the condition can only be cured in the hospital, a place that you must find in a maze-like fortress filled with monsters that you can’t destroy, and because of that you’ll certainly die most of the time.

Cherubi and Swirlix from Pokemon:

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Pokemon, Gotta eat’em all!

There are Pokemon that can be considered food (like Tauros), but this is not the same as Pokemon that are food. As you see, Cherubi is basically a cherry with a face (like most of the Pokemon that are just regular objects with a face). Even in the Pokedex entry, it’s said that the small ball it holds is not only full of nutrients, but is also tasty (it’s kind of weird when the Pokedex starts giving you advice for a healthy diet). Swirlix is cotton candy on a stick (I’m not kidding, Swirlix is commonly referred to as “the cotton candy Pokemon”), and it doesn’t help that its evolution looks like a cupcake (Slurpuff).

The Kushikatsu boss from Monster Party. For those who don’t know what Kushikatsu is, originally it was a term used to describe a deep fried and seasoned meat on a stick, but later it was used to describe a large number of deep fried foods on sticks, like shrimp, eggs, cheese, or bananas:

moster party

I’m deep fried serious about this.

Did I mention “LSD” in this entry? Well, this game is basically an acid trip, even if you get most of the Japanese cultural references of this game, it still looks like something produced by some strange fungus. Or in this case, a giant freaky fish:

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If you think that sounds ridiculous, there’s also a man-eating burger in the Yu-Gi-Oh Card Game.

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Still more healthy than a McDonald’s cheeseburger.

These are the perfect enemies for heroes like Pac-Man, Yoshi, or Kirby – you know, guys that are well-known for eating their victims:

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Holy crabs, there are vampire watermelons and pumpkins in Balkan folklore.

According to legend, there are only two plants that are thought to turn into vampires: pumpkins and watermelons. The change takes place when they are fighting one another. In some places, it’s thought that the transformation occurs if these ground fruit have been kept for more than ten days. It is also believed that if a trace of blood can be seen on a pumpkin, then it has become a vampire.

It is believed that if pumpkins are kept after Christmas or if a pumpkin is used as a siphon when ripe and dry, and stays unopened for three years, it becomes a vampire. And since they cannot do great damage, people are not very afraid of this kind of vampire.

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Spooky

Ladies and gentlemen, this is by far the dumbest Folklore story that I’ve ever heard in my life, and considering all the other legends and myths I have read (there’s an Aztec god of Male Prostitution), this wins the prize. Even the natives of the Balkans don’t take them seriously. You know why? Because they are just food. The vampire pumpkin/watermelon isn’t scary, and it doesn’t even look like a challenge, because all you have to do to kill it is just eat it.

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Just be careful that it’s not the only one eaten.