To catch up on all the fun, read my Episode 1 Review!

Current characters:… I can’t believe I spent time on this roster, but here you go for better context when I bitch about them

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carptet

Jessica Lange is the Drildo MonsterTM

I just noticed right now as I am typing this review that they used the SAME FUCKING CARPET AS THE SHINING! There is homage and then there is riding on the successes of those who came before you. Which one do you think is going on here? I’m thinking the latter. 

Alright, so last time on this plagiarist shit fest, Schmidty Spice got ass raped by a Drildo MonsterTM for, like, half the episode and you meet the cast, including Lady Gaga. There is no reason other than her demographic draw for her to be in this show. She cannot act, nor can she even move her face to show but a glimpse of emotion. Aside from her vacant, to the middle distance stare, we got a great dose of visual gore porn/soft porn that did nothing for the character development or story. Any time spent on development of characters and story reveal both were devoid of any depth or charm. It just feels like a brooding, self loathing, “I’m so unappreciated” goth music video. I liked some of the cinematographic style, but the characters have absolutely no substance or personality and the story is as empty as Lady Gaga’s dead eyes. I’m seriously thinking after watching episode 1, they’ll have a plot twist of aliens in one of the coming episodes. I think I’d be okay with that. 

I have just about lost hope for this show. The acting, the story, the writing… the raping… was all terrible in episode 1. So here I go back into the fray with little to no hope for redemption. *watches episode 2*

 

I’m sticking with the notable point format along with some real talks. You all loved that, right? Of course you did. Let’s go! 

schmidt-bratThe episode opens with Schmidty Spice and he’s alive… kind of… he’s about to be the new mattress meatbag while Perm Queen seals him in to stay fresh with her patented yarn closure technology.

Chloë Sevigny is a monotone robot…. but with some angry face emoticon due to relevant social commentary about vaccinating your kids… Dr Name Irrelevant, MD is right. Seriously, vaccinate your kids. Do it. FOR REAL. You’re an awful parent if you don’t. This show is so 2013 relevant. 

The Swede is back? Wait, never mind, the albino vampire toddlers killed her.  

Vampire Brats seem to be acting as though the director told them to speak with this “I weawy don’ wike dis showw” baby talk speech impediment. It’s the most horrifying thing yet.

[direction: sadness] Insert: "I'm confused/really tired/poop pushing" face

[direction: sadness] Insert: “I’m confused/really tired/poop pushing” face.

Eight minute cold open before credits. Who does FX think they are, HBO? 

man-assRoom 217… wait, I mean room 64 camera shot where Detective McGuffin naps. He awakes to the bathroom scene from The Shining… except with bare man ass as he pulls the curtains! Much scarier. J/K, just a dream within a dream…within a dream

Detective McGuffin’s son is a vampire brat. So Detective is totally relevant to the story now. Sweet!

The most painfully stilted scene of dialogue with Detective and sad Perm Queen.

ANOTHER FLASHBACK! This time with extra length and girth and completely without any pace.

Detective McGuffin’s unnecessary partner, Cyborg Cop, says “…something interesting…” with even more monotony than Chloë. I didn’t think that was possible. They’re not vampires. Everyone is a robot!!! Okay, that’d be cooler than aliens.

Detective McGuffin brings his daughter to the hotel… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!  He brings his daughter to the same place that he JUST thought had delivered a bomb to the precinct. The place where this mystery killer is supposed to be. This place where he is having nightmares about a dirty, fat, bare ass guy screwing a dead chick in his tub. Nightmares of Drildo MonsterTM. This is even bad parenting on a practical level aside from all this crazy absurd shit. This hotel is full of junkies, whores, a creeper transvestite, and Perm Queen as permanent residents. Sure, sounds like a great place to bring your adorable 9 year old daughter.

Oh. Hey, daughter runs off from the fashion show without any parental supervision. Of course Detective Deadbeat Dad neglects her as she runs off.  We’re supposed to be sad that Detective McGuffin’s son was abducted? 

Bitch Kid says “C’mon, don’t be a wuss” to Daughter McGuffin. Do kids still use that word? You can’t even throw a ball, kid. So, who’s the wuss now, huh? Dweeb. 

The spoiled man-child murderer from Freak Show is back as a coked out spoiled actor/model (and not the other way around) who throws bitch fits when he doesn’t get his way and is willing to kill random people for no reason. So pretty much the same character. Very clever AHS. 

Actor/model eats random floor food, from an OBVIOUSLY abandoned floor of the hotel and, you guessed it… maggots, because maggots in food have been scary movie fodder since The Lost Boys. I am legitimately starting to think that AHS is doing all of this on purpose as an “homage” to established horror franchises. I can’t wait for the Freddy Krueger knock off… I mean clever homage. 

It’s Andrew Ryan from Bioshock! We’re introduced to Pencil Mustache Fella that looks and sounds like an amalgamation of every 1940’s actor. 

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Would you kindly kill me so I don’t have to watch this fucking show!

I was drawn this way, baby!

drawn this way

I’m getting so tired of Lady Gaga’s inability to emote. I understand she draws in a huge audience because she can sing really well, but she can’t act, and she can’t emote. They could have thrown in 1920’s Mickey Mouse and had a better range of emotions, and drawn a pretty good crowd too.  

Daughter McGuffin rides public transport in Los Angeles, by herself! That’s without a doubt 86% scarier than Hotel Cortez. I should know being from the LA area. *shudders* 

“Scawlet” FUCK YOU ALBINO VAMPIRE KID!!! Nevermind, he likes Atari… NOPE! I can’t handle it, that fake impediment is awful.

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I’m your friend

Gaga refers to vampirism as a virus? It’s a virus. Immortality because of a virus. HEY EVERYONE, VIRUSES MAKE YOU IMMORTAL GODS!!! LET’S ALL GO TO ZAIRE AND DRINK FROM THE EBOLA RIVER OR STICK SOME DEAD BIRDS UP OUR BUTTS!!! Goddammit. Annnnnd back to Redshoe Diaries like soft porn. 

Also, Lady Gaga speaking is honestly worse than her vapid face. It’s worse than a bad Shatner impression with these weird pauses but lacking any emotion whatsoever. If that’s a side effect of the friendly vampire virus, I don’t want it. Seriously, her voice and delivery are worse than her physical acting. I’m not joking when I say it’s among the worst acting I’ve ever seen on primetime TV.

Kardashian reference to seem relevant… why have I not stopped watching?

OH MY GOD! MORE EXPOSITION! Detective wants to know about his son and sits down to a lovely chat about the builder of Hotel Cortez. Sure, why not?

The builder (Mustache Fella) put evil into every aspect of building this hotel? That makes a lot of sense. Again, we’re back in the writer’s room with Junior High essay winners as the new show runners.

"I guess I'm going to have to kill God." insert: dun dun dunnnn music

“I guess I’m going to have to kill God.” Insert: dun dun dunnnn music.

Mama Foosballs says “He was sloppy” right about the same time you see a dead guy extra take in a deep breath! Yes… yes he was, Foosballs. Along with the editor, and producers, and writers, and actors, and director, and best boy, and key grip, and the caterers, and the guy at the studio’s admissions gate. THEY WERE ALL SLOPPY!

This is either a huge editing error or this show also has zombies. Let it be bad editing, please.

This is bad editing or there are zombies in the show. Let this be bad editing, please.

So, Mama Boucher tells her long ass story and Detective Fuckwit walks off in unbelievable disbelief despite seeing some freaky shit. He just walks away without seeking answers to the original questions about his daughter and dead son. 

Actor/model uses tinder to get a gay hook up, and kills gay beardy hipster while Lady Gaga masturbates watching.

Actor/model and Lerder Gerger makeout.

El Fin

Final thoughts: I so want to be done with this. It’s a deceptive ruse. A practical joke. A balloon inflated by farts that pops in your face when you grab it. There is no substance and it’s all just terrible smelling air masked with “style” and “horror”. The continuing exposition into further episodes indicates toward too many story lines to realistically cover in a thirteen episode season. Expect even more plot holes than Freak Show, people. The plot rapture is coming. Lastly, it’s a rip off. Taking from several successful films is not an homage, it’s a scheme. It’s a televised catfish.

The Good: How the maid got a bullet to the head. 

The Bad: Considering putting a bullet through my head so I don’t have to live in a world that finds these kinds of shows entertaining.

Arbitrary: Fake Speech Impediment outta $7.50 

About The Author

Retro-Inactive

Broke gamerdad, playing the old games because all my gaming budget is going to Pampers and Barney DVDs. Love retrogames and playing PS2 for the first time in 2013. I make review videos with my cute hyper daughter. I try to exposit sound critique while she derails my train of thought with her cuteness. We also review kids games and talk about if they are good for your kids.

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