“…when there’s no one around.” – Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

Heya, folks! Lumpz the Clown here, and I may not be crying, but I’m willing to bet some of you will be after I’m done expounding eight of my most unpopular gaming opinions, right here on Gaming Rebellion!

That’s right! Eight brave souls have stepped forth into the maw of death to obtain the forbidden knowledge of the clowny one, and I’m pleased to oblige. Come hither, children of the damned, and stare into the very face of gaming death…

There Hasn’t Been a Good Resident Evil Since RE3

This may come as a shock to some of you who have played Capcom’s newest entry to one of their flagship series. Granted, I haven’t played RE7 because I’m not loaded with mountains of cash like my buddies at ReplayAbility, but it does look cool…for a VR game.

For me, part of what made the original three titles the best were the schlocky B-movie horror elements, fixed camera angles, and excellent balance of spooky environmental factors and jumpscares. Walking into the mirrored interrogation room in RE2 sticks out as one of my most terrifying moments in gaming history.

With the recent focus on action over horror after RE3, it’s good to see that Capcom hasn’t forgotten how to create spooky environs as seen in RE7. Too bad it’s in first-person, though.

I Think The NES Classic Mini was a Shitty Concept

Oh man! When you’re done scooping the partially digested Taco Bell out of your drawers, come back and hear my reasoning behind why I think Nintendo dropped the ball with this one.

Despite what Reggie Fil-Aimes may say about it, a bunch of executives gathered in a room approximately a year ago and decided that creating a nostalgia-loaded Linux box with Nintendo branding on it would be a great idea.

Prototypes were mocked up, programmers were hired, and an apparently small drop shipment of NES Classic Minis hit the shelves, posthumously cited as “we didn’t know that it would sell so well.” I call bullshit.

One of these brainiacs had to know that:

  • They would be selling these at a loss
  • It would sell like hotcakes since their target audience grew up with these games
  • Scalpers would most certainly get there first, and….
  • Any profit that they gleaned over the $59.99 MSRP would not go into their pocket

Shit, they even knew that people would hack their branded piece of plastic, going so far as to include a snarky message within the code.

In the end, they lost, and so did we. 0/1,000,000. Build a Pi instead.

I Feel That Konami Can, and Will, Make a Comeback

Ah yes. The article that literally set N4G trolls on fire and blew back wigs within a 2,000 mile radius…

I didn’t touch on it much, but Vice President of Konami, Hideo Kojima had financial control over all of their IPs, as in which games would be created and released.

Isn’t it funny to anyone else besides me that he had his hands in literally every release up to his displacement, even the critically lambasted, expensive, and most times, late ones?

Fanboys the world over think he’s the second coming of Gamer Christ, but tend to gloss over some of his glaring faults, such as:

  • Destroying budgetary constraints
  • Flipping the bird at release dates, and….
  • Commandeering entire creative divisions in his endless attempts at breaking into Hollywood

Konami never functioned this way during its heyday. Creating tons of high-quality games across various genres is something that Konami did so well in the beginning that they had to create shell company Ultra Games to keep Nintendo of America off their back.

With money-sucking Kojima gone, they are free to make a strong comeback, and they will. You heard it here first.

I Think Super Nova (Darius Force) is an Excellent SHMUP

Whenever I start talking about SHMUPs, I have to bring up Super Nova. My stepmom brought home this cartridge one day from her pawnshop job, and I’ve been in love ever since. Epic music, amazing art, ginormous bosses, and blazing-fast action are all the ingredients that I could ever ask for in a high-quality SHMUP.

So what do I get whenever I talk about it? Endless amounts of Twitter shit. The requisite response always seems to be “x is way better”, and I find that sad. I never once said that Super Nova is “the best SHMUP” I’ve ever played, yet I don’t feel that giving it a simple nod now and again should justify anybody shitting on it.

For me, it’s 85% quality and 100% nostalgia. Get off my nuts…

Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest is an Amazing RPG

And speaking of Twitter shit, this one tends to stoke the shit-filled furnace with 10,000 year old cow manure with a glaze of hobo vomit. In fact, whenever you include the #FinalFantasy tag in any tweet, you’re bound to attract a shit-grinned troll or two.

In the end, Final Fantasy is one of those series that gamers tend to get insanely passionate about to the point where it destroys their empathy towards others. For me, firing up Mystic Quest means that autumn is upon us. Leaves are falling out of the trees, the air carries a cool chill, and Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

My brother and I plonked away countless hours into Square’s “entry-level” title during our formative years, and had a blast doing it. Yes, nostalgia is involved, but when is the last time you could save absolutely anywhere in your fancy 60FPS, 1080p upscaled to 8k copy of hotshit RPG 2017? Oh, it didn’t autosave yet? Sucks to be you!

True, a lot of brainpower isn’t required to play Mystic Quest, but do you really have time to grind 80+ hours like you used to? Seriously, go back and check this one out. All of it’s amazing features literally predicted the future.

The Nintendo DS was a Shovelware Creator’s Haven

Don’t get me wrong. The DS is a fine handheld with an amazing amount of excellent games such as Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow, New Super Mario Bros. and Super Princess Peach, but you know what else they had? Motherfucking House, M.D.

For many years, I passed on the DS because whenever I’d click on a Craigslist ad that proclaimed that they had “TONS oF DS gAms”, I’d see shit like Cooking Mama, Brain Age, Hannah Montana, and fucking Hell’s Kitchen! Even better, sometimes they’d have multiple copies, so you can share with your friends!

Shit, even Nintendo biffed it on the DS with some of their flagship series no less, which brings me to my next entry…

Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass Sucks

Controlling Link with the stylus? Really? We get it. Your awesome new handheld has a touchscreen. Does that mean that every single game created for it has to (ab)use it?

Clunky controls, microscopic graphics, uninteresting characters, and a washed out color palette made Phantom Hourglass one of the worst gaming experiences that I’ve ever had. I’m not playing. It’s seriously on par with other catastrophic turds from my past, including Dragonpower and Mystery Quest.

New features are fun and all, but why don’t you go ask NEC and Hudson Soft how solely focusing on the new features of a new console worked out for them.

It sounds like Nintendo learned their lesson with Breath of the Wild, but if you plan on picking up Phantom Hourglass, you better work on sprouting a new arm right out of your pee hole. It’s like the N64 controller all over again, which brings me to my last and final point…

The N64 Controller is the Worst of All Time

 

 


Seriously. If the first thing that I have to do every time I fire up a game is to configure the controls, you have failed. It took a saving tweet from Adam of ReplayAbility for me to finally enjoy DOOM 64 because the default controls are more assy than Nicki Minaj’s pants drawer.

Granted, this could be due to the weird adolescence that the gaming scene endured in the mid to late 90’s with the transition to 3D gaming, but the N64 controller served as a hellacious acne outbreak the night before prom to accompany your already greasy skin and funky body odor.

Not even AXE can save this one. Burn it with fire.

Lumpz the Clown OUT!

Lumpz the Clown, purveyor of Twitter and YouTube nonsense!

  • Atsinganoi

    Doom 64 is a great game. I love it. I remap EVERY. SINGLE. BUTTON. just to make it playable though. I’ve always hated the N64 controller.

  • Wally

    I love this.

  • Cecilthedarknight_28

    Wait what about Code Veronica and Outbreak File 1-2? I really think those games deserved to be mention because the captured what was scary in the OG resident evil games, such as fixed Camera angels, creepy atmosphere such as a haunted hospital with a crazed axe killer etc.

  • Lol…that is sort of a misnomer on my part. I’m still on the fence about CV because whenever I start getting into it, I get hopelessly lost and unable to even find out what to do next in a walkthrough, which sucks.

    I haven’t played enough Outbreak File 1-2 yet to know if I’ll enjoy them or not, but I do have both (I think), so I may turn out to enjoy those! Anything’s possible.

    What I didn’t enjoy was the shift to action military over-the-shoulder shooter starting with RE4, and what killed that particular one for me was the first Ashley escort mission! After about the 6th unnecessary death, I turned it off forever, tho I have a IRL friend who thinks he can change my mind.

    Maybe I’m just playing them wrong. Who knows! Thanks for reading, Cecil! #Salute :-)

  • Oh man…all this shit has been burning in my chest for so long! If it’s gotta come out, why not on GR, amirite? :-)

    Thanks for reading, Wally!

  • No joke, Pierre! I remember renting it for the first time years ago and being absolutely blown away by the updated visuals and amazing soundtrack by Aubrey Hodges…only to be absolutely turned off by the turdtastic controls! :-/

    Who the hell would be comfortable playing with that thing anyway? If they were an ill-fitted mannequin demon from Silent Hill, perhaps…

    Glad I’m not alone on this one! :-)

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