Heya, folks! Lumpz the Clown here, and as a long-time Castlevania fan, I feel that it is my duty to inform newcomers as to the follies that they may encounter when first becoming acquainted with the series.

Long story short: Dracula is resurrected roughly every century, and it is up to the Belmont clan to destroy him. However, there was a 200 or so year period along the timeline where the Belmonts had disappeared, which prompted other heroes to save the day. Like these other characters, each Belmont had their own unique trait that they brought to the fight.

Leon had the ability to incorporate a series of martial arts and magic into his frenzied whip combos.

Trevor became a fully leveled, fast-paced wrecking machine in Curse of Darkness.

Simon was able to kill Dracula a second time while his body literally rotted right before his very eyes.

Juste utilized the powers of both the Belmont and Belnades clans to summon magic.

Richter harnessed the power of the Item Crash, turning ordinary subweapons into harbingers of (re)death.

Julius could morph through solid objects with the power of the Omnia Vanitas and even destroy Dracula’s Castle by summoning the Grand Cross.

Shit, even Sonia, whose game Castlevania Legends was removed from the official timeline, was able to sense the presence of spiritual beings and vanquish the Count the first time around.

Christopher on the other hand…

That’s it. Now before you start calling foul due to the technical limitations of the Game Boy, let’s not forget that Christopher’s story was retold and revamped (heh) in Castlevania Adventure ReBirth on WiiWare, released in 2009.

So what awesome powers have been lurking under the surface all this time?

Yup, ladies and gentlemen, that is Christopher Belmont,  grandson of the totally badass Trevor Belmont, in full vampire-killing form. And that’s not to mention the fact that in either title, he can lose his fireball ability simply by getting hit!

And that’s not to mention his abysmal idea of trying to incorporate a duel Vampire Killer gimmick with his son, Soleiyu, who was possessed by Dracula 15 years after Castlevania Adventure due to Christopher’s very incorrect, and possibly lazy, notion that he had put the Count away for good. Why would he feel the need to create a vampire killing team if Dracula was supposedly dead, hmm?

A giant bat? Meh. Nothing to worry about.

Instead of passing on the Vampire Killer whip to Soleiyu after the death of Count Dracula during what should have been a peaceful time, the latter was allowed to turn into Mist and escape the quickly crumbling castle in the form of a bat, all thanks to Christopher’s gross negligence.

Now intangible, Dracula was able to possess Soleiyu and bring him to the center of a twisted citadel surrounded by four castles, whose construction was somehow unbeknownst to Christopher during the 15 years that he sat on his ill-received laurels.

Ultimately, Christopher was able to fight his way into the citadel, find Soleiyu, and free him from Dracula’s influence by beating the absolute shit out of his only son.

At the end of the day, Christopher was finally able to put Dracula down for good after Belmont’s Revenge, with the fight being picked up roughly 100 years later with Simon. So…good job?

Not hardly. To sum up, Christopher Belmont:

  1. Has no powerful vampire slaying skills to speak of in any title whatsoever.

  2. Didn’t confirm that Dracula was, indeed, dead for another 100 years.

  3. Put his only son in imminent danger due to this oversight by throwing a big coming of age celebration.

  4. Didn’t notice that four huge, elaborate buildings were sprouting up all along the countryside, surrounding an ominous, foreboding citadel.

To put that final point into perspective, Simon felt that Dracula’s influence had not waned as his body began to fail him. Even then, he returned to the castle with the Count’s body parts in hand to burn them on a pyre. As Dracula surprisingly rose from the pile, Simon finished what he started and made no bones about what must be done, even if it resulted in his death.

A martyr? Perhaps. But a true hero nonetheless.

Christopher? Nope. Everything’s OK. Never mind that unusually large bat that went sailing out of the rubble just now. I’m going to go back to town and score so much ass (Soleiyu presented as physical evidence, paternity pending).

Now this shouldn’t be taken as a slam against either Castlevania Adventure, Belmont’s Revenge, or Castlevania Adventure ReBirth.

All three games have their own merits and are quite enjoyable to play, but if you’re coming back to these from other titles such as Lament of Innocence, Symphony of the Night, or even Lords of Shadow, do know that the earlier games were a product of their time and that ReBirth may simply have been a continuity of Christopher’s skills as a vampire hunter for posterity’s sake.

Pictured: skills.

It should be noted that while conducting research for this article, I’ve stumbled across evidence that Christopher’s entire concept as a Belmont in general may have been a bit of backpedaling on Konami’s part, with bad translations and manual misprints adding to the speculation that either Christopher came before Trevor, or that the former was only created due to said misprints.

No matter what side of the debate that you land on, if you have in fact played all of the Castlevanias, one thing remains clear: Christopher is, without a doubt, the laziest, most half-assed Belmont of them all.

Shitty parenting skills, zero warrior instinct, and a lack of resolve pretty much round out Christopher’s entire being as a whole, even though his games are amazing. That is all.

Lumpz the Clown OUT!

 

Lumpz the Clown, Lord of All the Castlevanias. Follow me on Twitter if you like gaming nonsense.